Surprises and none of them good

Today I had my pre-operative appointment which amounts to four hours of counciling, 'splaining, signing and being poked and prodded. It was far from what I would call a positive experience, but then again I didn't expect to spend the four hours eating cake and ice-cream anyway.

It all started with a 'pastoral visit' which means the hospital's clergy du-jour stops in and has a chat. I suppose it was just in case I needed to get something right with God, or confess something, or maybe just so I could have someone to talk to. She was kind and polite though I am not sure exactly what denomination she hailed from, something vaguely Christian I think. Fortunately, she was not intrusive at all.

Next up was the nurse who in addition to bringing a 'goody bag' also brought lots of paper-work. Now the goody bag wasn't exactly full of goodys, rather it was full of mostly plastic medical things that just made me curious in a not good way. I'm going to spare the details, but none of them were exactly welcome presents. The paperwork was chock full of disclaimers and a lot of words to remind me that lots of bad stuff could go wrong, and if it did it wasn't really anyone's fault. She also gave me all kinds of information on what to expect post-op and quite frankly none of it was real good. She actually said that it is common for patients to be terrified by all the contraptions they are attached to when they awake. Thanks, feeling better now already.

Then the anesthesiologist paid a visit. A nice guy who seemed to mumble at my charts in between imparting valuable nuggets of information on me. Yes, you will be on a respirator when you wake up. And you'll be tied down so that you can't take it out on your own. You'll also be heavily sedated, so much so that you probably won't remember it (more on that later). Yes, you will also be on a heart/lung machine during the surgery which means your heart will be stopped during the surgery. Oh, and we run some extra tubes into your wrist and carotid artery to monitor stuff. Add those to your wire/tube inventory for when you awake. Incidentally, I think that total inventory amounts to thirteen wires, four tubes and the respirator, but I'm sure I've missed something. Yes, you will absolutely look like crap when you wake up; you'll be pale and pufffy and generally zombish, though not as lively. Then he imparted one last nugget of information; some people remember more than others. You see, some people remember being on the respirator, and some people remember the surgery and oh yes that includes the pain of the surgery, but that's a pretty rare occasion so don't worry about it. Okay feeling better now.

What could possible be next? Well I had a chest X-ray which was uneventful and an EKG which was also uneventful and then they saved the best for last. That's right the blood draw. Now, I'm scared of needles, but I'm prepared for being poked so I already have this worked out in my head. But the blood drawing person says we're doing this special type of blood draw that requires arterial blood and yes it is quite painful. I've been around enough medical professionals to know that when they say it's going to hurt, it is going to hurt. They didn't disappoint me either, I was a bit more than nervous and explained this to them. They had this great idea that I should just keep talking while they poked the artery in my wrist 'cause that would relax me. Didn't work, as a matter of fact I was so tense that the needle bounced off my artery repeatedly, and I felt each bounce. One word; ouch. This means only one thing, time to try the other wrist. This time I waved them off and asked them to forget the 'keep talking' plan and just give me a minute to collect myself. I went 'away' to my 'ice cave' and managed to relax enough to get the blood drawn. My reward: pressure bandages on both wrists. So now I look like I must have been suicidal.

That's all I have to say for now, can't wait for the big day and all...